A LETTER TO MAMA AND PAPA –
Dear Mama and Papa,
I am here, still stuck on the way, the journey is too long, thorny and painful. Just yesterday, the Angel told me to persevere and keep pushing on, I still have a greater distance to cover, but my daughter is already in heaven. Tell my little sisters to take good care of themselves, they should not leave the earth in the manner I did. If they avoid my mistakes, they will live to enjoy their dreams and will definitely give you beautiful grandchildren at the right time. I remember my last days there. How I wish I could reverse the clock? How I wish I had listened to the head teacher’s advice.
At that time, faced with morning sickness,
I had to rise up every day and go to school.
My heart started beating fast, it was trapped.
In the womb, I felt her kicking – My Daughter.
Her heartbeat was very strong, a fighter indeed.
I did not want it to be true, but I ruined everything.
All the time invested in my studies, friends
The future was black,
Could not see anymore.
I just wanted to breathe,
I wanted everything to be normal, but was stuck in the nightmare.
Papa, Mama, Every evening I came home, questions ran through my mind. I could not even look at you! Deep down inside me, I knew you would know something was wrong, even when I tried to act like everything was ok. Papa, you always called me your little girl, I knew you would be disappointed with me if you got to know the truth at that time. I knew you were not going to play with me again in the woods. As the days went on, school stopped being important to me – it was all over. I wanted to be normal again, but it was no longer possible, I hated the world. I loved her, that kicked in my womb, but I was so scared, how could I raise her yet I was a child myself? I felt useless.
I knew I had been taught better,
If only I could go back,
And erase it all.
I still feel guilty,
I did not tell you.
I felt I could do something, wanted to erase it, and just wanted the nightmare to go away. Was so ashamed and embarrassed, I did not want anyone else to know. I left home in the middle of the night and went to the herbalist. She lived in a shark. It was dark and cold but I was so determined, I wanted to get rid of her. I did not want her to keep growing in my womb, I wanted to erase it all. The herbalist did not give me any anesthetic, she warned me against screaming, if I did so, she would kill me. I lay on a metallic trolley, my back against the cold metal. She then reached for a metallic hunger, made the hook bigger and called out for help. Her helper held me by the neck with one hand and the other held my mouth – I was in their hands. A that time I felt the kick in my womb, the daughter in me was reacting to the pain I was feeling. She was the only one there for me at that time, but that was the last of her that I felt. The herbalist pushed the hunger inside, deep inside my womb, turned it around several times. The pain was too much, even when I wanted to scream, I couldn’t. Then she pulled the hunger out, full of blood. In her hands I saw a small foot, it is all I saw of my daughter. Blood gushed out of my body and I could not move. Even when they cleaned me up, I could not move an inch.
It was indeed the end. After she had scooped my daughter out of the womb, I fought to stay in that body for twenty four hours, but it was too late. I left my body, looking down on it. I was too heavy, in that I ended up hanging in the air – somehow, somewhere, I was stuck, just like that. I looked at my right and saw a bright light. The Angel revealed her to me and said. “This is your daughter and I am taking her with me now, but she has a few words for you.”
“The day you invited me inside your womb, I felt safe.
The warmth that you gave me kept me alive and joyful.
Even when your heart beat so fast, I felt your love for me.
When you laughed, I laughed with you,
When you cried, I cried with you.
I remember you touching your belly every time,
With your touch, I felt your love and affection.
All I wanted was to come out and love you more,
Wanted to come out and make you smile,
Smile every day. I was ready to wipe all your tears.
But you remained so sad.
Twenty four hours ago, I felt a sharp pain,
Piercing my body into pieces.
Your womb was no longer safe for me.
They forced me out with that thing,
They tore me into pieces.
But will always be your daughter,
I will always love you,
But I have to go.
Goodbye my dear young mother.”
The angel did not allow me touch her. Papa, Mama, I write this with grave sorrow in my heart. I cannot change anything, I am gone, I am no more, but I should have done better. I tried very hard to live, I felt my daughter kicking in me, she wanted to live and I know she loved me but I forced her to lose the battle, I lost the battle. I should have done better to bring your granddaughter to the world where I left you. Papa, Mama, I am sorry, forgive me. Please let my young sisters know this, and may they never follow the same path.
I love you all.